I try to keep personal stuff off this blog as much as possible, but few people read my ooc blog, and I kinda need some encouragement right now.
You’ve heard of writer’s block, yes? Well, at the moment, I’m having editor’s block. I’ve got a manuscript that was due on Saturday that I must hand in tomorrow, and I just can’t seem to get anywhere on it. Thankfully, it’s short, and my client is being very generous because I was ridiculously sick with my period last week and got behind on everything.
So. What’s the problem? I really screwed up another manuscript for this client a few weeks ago, and I’m kind of terrified I’m going to ass this one up, too. This one really needs to be flawless to win back my client’s full trust in me, and I just…don’t do very well in situations like this. In fact, these situations tend to aggravate my anxiety disorder to the point that I, uh, wake up because I’m too anxious to sleep and then just ignore the manuscript for four hours because fuck.
My therapist and my partner say that this sort of thinking is catastrophizing. But, well…here’s the thing. The situation as I see it is already pretty damn catastrophic. My rating on the freelance site I typically use to do work is pretty ass right now (in the low 4s when 5 is the highest and nearly everyone there has between 4.7 and 5), thanks to a jerkoff client back in January who couldn’t be fucked to tell me he was unhappy with my work until leaving a passive-aggressive review that ravaged my perfect rating. Another client also gave me a pretty lackluster rating recently too, despite me working myself into illness to meet a deadline. I cannot afford either emotionally or financially to piss off more clients right now, even though my health has been shit-tastic for the NINTH MONTH IN A ROW.
Why? The review in January was the final straw that pushed me into both my first episode of major clinical depression in two years and into adrenal exhaustion. During that time, I got almost no work thanks to being sick and my fucking rating, and we just can’t afford to have that happen again financially. I also really can’t deal with another mental meltdown. Fuck, I’ve just kicked my meds up to the point that they’re exhausting me, but my anxiety is now manageable for the first time in probably a year. I just…can that not unravel? At least not now?
So I really need to do this manuscript right, and to finish some other edits that I already made some mistakes on (thankfully my client’s not too angry about those, but she should be.) And then I really need to catch up on work this week. I can’t do any of that if I’m having my anxiety triggered left and right.
So…um. I guess I just need people to tell me that I can do this and not fuck it up, and that I haven’t fucked up my entire life? Honestly, not a lot has cheered me up since my life fell apart back in November. So just a few kind words would mean a lot to me.
I believe you can do it! It sounds terribly scary, and I know from anxiety, but I believe you can do it! I suppose that editing and writing don’t have a great deal to do with one another, but I can definitely say that you are an excellent writer/roleplayer and I very much enjoy the many threads we have been doing. And that you allow me to ramble on and on. And that you ramble back! Maybe that has something to do with editing, if you can look at a character and gauge what is consistent about them then you can see what is inconsistent in a manuscript?
The point is that I think you are good with words, and if your brain lets you you should feel good about yourself. Especially regarding asking for things. That is super big progress when you have an anxiety disorder. So in short go you! You look like you have been taking lots of steps in good directions, and you can take more!